[Agape] Loving a Significant Other/Spouse

My sister once told me, “When you get into a relationship, it will soften your heart.” “No,” I said adamantly, “I’m still going to be able to do what I want, have my own plans, do my own thing.”You see, to me, a relationship was an addition to your life. It adds to all the other exciting things you have going on. A perfect relationship, to me, was one in which I could pursue my ambitions, develop my career, achieve the plans I have set for myself and have someone there for me on the side, when I wanted them to be there. But, in achieving your plans, in passionately chasing your dreams, in living with wild ambition, where should the most important person in your life, the most important relationship in your life, fit into your life? How do you love a significant other?You begin by giving that person room to add to your life. You give them room to even change or reorient your life. We are constantly being told to put ourselves first, to pursue our goals and dreams, to be selfish, and while there is an appropriate and distinguished time and place for that, a season for that or even a lifestyle for that, there is also a time to grow and alter your life in a relationship. Your attitude in a relationship, then, should not be to put yourself first, but to put your other person first. I am not saying you must abandon your dreams, goals, or ambitions, but maybe your relationship calls you to reorient those dreams and plans in order to make room for someone else. In making room for that other person, maybe you will find yourself pursuing your dreams with the strength of another person, so that addition in your life, that person in your life, gives you such a power that you would not have been able to find on your own. That does not mean that you are incompetent or incomplete until you find your partner, it just means that when you do find a partner, and when you do give them room in your life, you may find yourself with extra strength and fuel to passionately pursue your dreams. When you give your partner room to strengthen you and challenge you, when you reorient your life to make room for your partner, you allow yourself to grow in ways beyond the bounds and limitations you or your circumstances may have unknowingly set for yourself. So, you allow someone else to take up space in your life, to force you to reorient your life, and to assume an important and primary role in your life. It is okay to allow your life to shift to make room for someone else.After giving your significant other room to add to your life, you should make room to be there for them in return. In a lot of ways, learning to love your friends well applies to loving a significant other well. The habits you create in loving your friends will transpire to how you love someone in a relationship. So, in the same way that you make room for someone to love you, to support you, to challenge you, and to grow you, you make room in your own life to love, support, and challenge someone else. You reorient your life in such a way that it allows you to be there for someone else. You make room to become an important and primary person in someone else’s life. That means loving so selflessly and fearlessly, that the things you put aside do not become a painstaking loss for you, but a necessary thing to do in order to make room for something more deserving of your time, energy, thoughts, and actions. A relationship should not be an aggravation that holds you back from being and accomplishing all that you wish to achieve. Rather, in those times when you must sacrifice something, when you must put something aside, it should be a joyous and willing action on your part in order to see your relationship grow and in order to see yourself and your significant other grow. So, making room to be there for someone else does not become a grievance for you, it becomes something that you desire to do in order to achieve the best in yourself, in your significant other, and in your relationship as a whole.Finally, loving a significant other well means that you stay for the things you did not sign up for. Allow me to preface this by saying that there are times and situations in which you are completely warranted and even encouraged to leave a relationship. That is not what I am talking about here. What I am referring to are the annoyances, the mistakes, the baggage, and the imperfections. We have conditioned ourselves to expect nothing less than perfection in our relationships. On social media, we post about the best aspects of our relationships. We share moments, pictures, and inspiration from our relationships that paint a picture of perfection. We have learned to believe in romanticized and glorified relationships that, frankly, do not exist. So, when bumps arise in the road, when we experience imperfection, when we see baggage, our instinct is to run in the other direction, and sometimes we give into that instinct. But, loving a significant other well means staying along for the bumpy ride; it means seeing yourselves through the unexpected and dealing with the baggage. We need to learn to expect imperfection rather than perfection. We need to learn to love well through imperfection and through the things we did not sign up for. We need to see our relationships through. We need to learn to stay, not to run, for if we run, we miss the ending, we miss the remedy.When we begin to love a significant other well, we finish what was started in loving our friends well: we set a precedence for loving the world well. We create a standard for how to love in easy times, good times, disappointing times, and trying times. We strengthen the power and resilience in us to see our relationships reach their full potential. We allow the love in our relationships to come to fruition. So, in the same way that you love and pursue your dreams with wild ambition, you should create room in your life to love your significant other with wild ambition, with selflessness, with intent, and with fearlessness.[This one is dedicated to all the model relationships in my life: mom and dad, Emily and Jason, all the aunties and uncles, Lauren and Jason, Stephanie and Dustin. Thank you for showing me what it means to love graciously, selflessly, purely, and fearlessly.]